The Stiffy in The Car:

Timmy awakes every morning with a stiffy. All shapes and all sizes, sometimes soft, sometimes hard and sometimes with nothing at all.
But this day was different, he could feel it as soon as his alarm went off...RINGALINGALINGALINGALINGALINGALINGALINGALING!!!1!......anyway, the point is that he didnt have a stiffy. so he climbed out of bed and flashed himself in the mirror but it just was "up" he didnt know what to do. he started panicing that he had something wrong with him. but being the coolest person that he is he ignored it and went about his daily business and forgot about it.

HONK HONK....his mother was getting impatient with Timmy. she was sitting in the car and yelling at Timmy to hurry up and get in the car so they could go to school and work. he climbed into the car and made himself comfy and then started to relax. then suddenly.....2 minnutes into the drive, it grew, grew and grew bigger bigger biggest!!

HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS HE GOING TO DO?....he knew he had to get out of the car in a bit and walk through the school gates with a good old boner :P
anyway.....he crawled out trying to hide it from the spying public, he put his pack back infront of his genatal area and walked calmly forward towards the gates. however it would look every suspicious with his bag held over his naughty area so he swung his back pack onto his back obviously and walked in with his hand in his pocket so that then is anyone asked him if he did have a boner he would say it was his hand, i mean how many people would ask him that?

but he wasnt expecting that the nosieyest girl in the school was therre. "whats that in your pocket timmy?"

he pulled his hand out and all of a sudden it shrunk! no wait it was always that small :P


-x-

How To Fellate a Man:

Once the ground rules have been set and foreplay is well under way, find a position in which you can comfortably enjoy your lovers penis. Positions can vary. Some men prefer to sit down and some men prefer to lie on their back on their beds. A good position is for the man to stand up with his hands on his hips and his erect penis at your face level. You can then kneel before him, leaving your hands free to caress him, and play with his balls and anus.

Next, take his penis into the palm of your hand and, keeping your teeth out of the way, moisten the head with saliva. Then put the head of the penis into your mouth as far as it is comfortable and move your head so that the penis goes in and out. The secret is to keep your teeth well out of the way at all times.

Once the man is highly aroused and excited, you can remove the penis from your mouth and run the tongue up and won the length of the organ and tease is balls and anus too. This gives pleasure to most men, as does flicking the tongue over the frenulum, the little ridge of skin on the underside of the penis. After a few minutes' stimulation, stop and and tease him by turning your attention else where on his body - nibbling him, and kissing him all over.

Consultant:

Dr.Andrew Stanway

-x-

Gotta Love Them Army Boys:

Back in the day when i was in the RAF there wasn't many women round.
All the women in the base were lezzers and didn't wanna touch a cock.
obviously being in the forces i was a healthy eater and a snappy dresser,
i looked across and saw a large round seductive orange (like off the M&S adverts)
sitting there staring me out. Next to it lay a tube of toothpaste. I couldnt resist.
I ripped a hole in the orange with my bare teeth (kinky, i know) , and squirted
(yes, SQUIRTED) the toothpaste into the orange, whipped out
my spam javelin and pounded that orange to mush. I did this every night for
a month till my duties were over.
I got home a me and my wife were in the bedroom, in bed, naked.
I suggested some foreplay, so i whipped out ol' reliable and
shoved it in her gob, she said "mm minty", then found a pip stuck
in my bellend!!

-x-

Teddy Time:

Now im not gonna lie to you but this is a true grisley story about a young deranged child named Roger Moore. One lonely horny midnight afternoon Roger my boy was obviously getting horny. So long story short he saw his child hood teddy bear lying on the floor, dusty and looking rather attractive. He noticed the nose had a hole in it so he started talking with he cock and inserted it you know where ;) discusting i know but at the time he was loving it. He did everything with that teddy bear, anything you can imagine in your sick twisted lives because you are reading this and getting turned on he did.

They broke up a few days later because the bear didnt do anal so that was the end of that chapter. However always in the back of his mind he is constantly reminded of the great teddy bear sex they had, and more often that not he rings her up for a late night booty call which they both enjoy more and more each time. Who knows what will happen in the end, whether they get back together or whether they keep the booty calls escalating out of controll.

-x-

The Bread Tip:

Steps:

1. Buy a fresh fram house loaf from Greggs.
2. Chop off one end of the loaf.
3. Fill with warm water from tap.
4. Go to town on that bad boy.

This is good for anyone who needs practice before a really life human lady like me. (Also feels somewhat like a mans anal cavity for you naughty sailors out there)

-x-

The Chewbacca Story:

One lonely starwars fan was lying in his bed....it was thundering and lightning outside which made the atmospeare tense and exciting. It was a horny Saturday evening when the relitives arrived, the Nan, the Grandad and the nepheu. he was bored and tired from greeting the beutiful people so he whipped out his chode and beated up and down with the strengh of a bull. He instantly got bored so he climbed himself out of his sweaty bed and found his favourite chewbacca doll. He picked up his chope and sticked it right in the mouth of the doll with great force and anxiety. Instantly he realised what he was doing and he dropped the doll with a loud "BANG".

-x-

The Way To Get The Best Out Of Begals:

Get a freshly buttered begal, check it's not passed it's expirery date to decrese likely hood or rash. Insert the erected penis gentely into the centre hole of the begal. Place both hands of either side of the begal...creating a firm grip around to insure full plesurement. Start thrusting the begal back and forward, increasing spead gradually over time untill impact...
once finished, remove penis from begal and enjoy.

-x-